The A Word

I'm stuck in a fog of debilitating doubt. Endless worry seizing my every waking moment in a silent torment I've come to expect daily. Sometimes it's subtle, other times it's so loud I can barely hear anything else or focus clearly. The logical part of my brain fights with my demons, these tormentors of mine who find great pleasure in eating at me. These demons who feast on doubt. They produce the overthinking emotional torture that I can never seem to escape. Without constant reassurance from those I love, I feel like I'm failing them. The big A. The shapeshifter of mental disorders. Showing up in various ways like overthinking, obsessive worry, anxiousness, panicky feelings, and sometimes, depression. It's never easy juggling this circus act of issues, especially when reaching out makes you feel like a burden to those you love. Putting on a mask to hide the turmoil you're facing in your mind - the battlefield of logical and illogical thinking. 

I apologize often for things I shouldn't be sorry for. I worry too much about things that may never even happen. I overthink every conversation I had that day and worry if I may have said something the wrong way or offended someone. It's exhausting. Not even in the tired way of sleep. Exhausted is my body that feels like it's been through hell but so wide awake the thoughts never cease enough for a peaceful slumber. 

I'm drowning. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck underwater, reaching desperately for the surface of the water. Gasping for air as I take in more water and my chest grows heavier. In certain moments, the tidal wave of emotions hit me and I feel like I'm dying. 

Will it ever end? The vicious cycle of torment that is my mind? 

The most powerful muscle in the human body can be the best thing in the world . . . or the worst.

I am my own enemy. I am pushing myself every day to keep going. I'm trying to be happy and hide all of my fears. I'm clawing so hard at sanity. 

Please understand that Anxiety is a thing. It's a difficult and debilitating condition to have. Be mindful of that if a loved one or friend suffers from it.